When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
You Might Also Like
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*