I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
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Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
According to math, I’m broke
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*