“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
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Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.