Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
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I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
This meal prepping shit is easy
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
I support this random dude and all his protests
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.