Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
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Me :
All Day At Night
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
The second world war should have been called world war returns
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
How does one answer this?
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.