Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
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[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
My blood type is b hungry.
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
Digital security in Ancient Troy
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.