people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
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U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
c’mon!
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”