jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
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If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
Which wines pair best with gloating?
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.