some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
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Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
reduce, reuse, recycle
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess