cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
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a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
adding to the discourse
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
Go girl power!
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
sir, my pâté if you please