Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
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Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
The Sun’s probably Asian.
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.