Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
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DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
me after eating Cheetos
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.