It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
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My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
My purse is deeper than some people.
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are