It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
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I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
can’t believe I got front row seats
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?