Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
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Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
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This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator