noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
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I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
I missed you with all my darts
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.