Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
You Might Also Like
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”