HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
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Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
how to market bottled water to dads
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.