I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
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date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy