I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
You Might Also Like
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
me and my fake scenarios
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one