The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
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Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
Acronyms got me like WTF?
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.