I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
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Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
Lunatics are gonna loon.
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it