The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
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Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
me after eating Cheetos
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
not seeing the problem
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too