[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
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James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?