TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
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if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.