guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
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“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
The first matador
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
new wife guy just dropped
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
That’s amazing.
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.