5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
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I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!