Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
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There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
every. time.
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies