This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
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The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
Finally!
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.