*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
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This pepper has seen some shit
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
😂😂😂😂😂😂
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.