[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
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I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
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{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
Who’s your best friend?
My blood type is coffee.
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[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
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*open and closes door 20 times*
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.