Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
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In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
you know what ruined my childhood? children
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
one last job
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.