[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
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My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.