FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
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Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?