SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
You Might Also Like
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now