[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
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[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
Knock Knock
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.