The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
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ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.