On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
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The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.