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Me: Same
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Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Best seat on the street 😍
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
Ken is short for chicken
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
This came to me in a dream.