[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
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I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
Europe. Made in Germany.
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
My friend is an excellent librarian.
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped