They’re really bad with fonts.
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I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
Golf would be better with landmines.
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
We need to put an American base on the sun
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.