My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
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[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
I’m not lazy
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?