It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
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count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.