I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
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A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
True
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait