You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
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If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.