I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
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“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon