“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
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A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.