wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
You Might Also Like
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift