make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
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you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
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Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
this is the greatest thing ever
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”