Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
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Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.